We’ve just entered a new year, but to be honest, I’ve been working on a new me for a bit longer.
You see, anxiety and I have been close for a while. Last year I managed to take the lead in that relationship and am in a much better headspace now. There are a series of actions I took to achieve that, and I, unfortunately, don’t have the time to deep-dive into it in this post. But after eight months of nearly daily anxiety attacks (that would last hours upon hours), I have reclaimed my mind from myself.
I am extremely grateful for it. And relieved. And slightly concerned that it’ll happen again. This is why I’ve spent the past couple of months reflecting and observing what occurred to find out why I ended up where I did.
From that reflection, I’ve learned a few things and have shaped a battle plan.
Firstly, I had to learn what insecurities I was or still am clinging onto. Here they are:
I avoid confrontation at all costs.
I blamed my chronic pain for the reason my life wasn’t moving forward.
I let other people’s emotional lenses shape my reality.
That last one was the biggest lesson I pulled from 2019. For the longest time and in every facet of my life I was regularly communicating with emotionally volatile people and I allowed their mood swings to dictate how I felt. It put me on edge. It eroded my self-confidence. And it was utterly exhausting.
I told myself I was tough, but I hadn’t realized was that just because I could take physical challenges well, it did not translate into my emotional and mental wellbeing.
When I hung out with my friends who were and have constantly struggled with mental health, I left feeling broken and frustrated. When I talked to my boss whose emotional state was impossible to predict, I would find myself grating my teeth and clenching my stomach in tense anticipation. When I had a conversation with a family member who would suddenly snap, I would shut down.
And through it all, I had one goal: Placate and smooth the situation over so that the tension of confrontation would. Go. Away.
Over the years, this intense pressure, along with my own slew of health issues, came to a boiling point. Queue the chronic anxiety attacks, insomnia, nausea, and depression.
I found myself stuck in a hole I couldn’t get out of. So I did the one thing I could to eradicate the built-up pressure.
I ran away.
Ok, that’s a bit dramatic. I moved states and changed jobs. And I’ll be honest, it made a huge difference. For the first time in years, I felt that I could truly breathe. The stress and tension that had made itself at home in my body slowly dissipated and I felt myself regaining my sanity. It really did make a difference.
But I had had moments of peace before. And this time, I realized that if I didn’t do something drastic, I was going to end up back in that same situation. And once again, it would be my own doing.
Because I couldn’t avoid emotionally volatile people. Especially if I was sensitive to it, which I was, and that would heighten any tension felt.
I understood why I had developed that mentality, but I didn’t know how exactly I had gotten to such a low point. But thanks to some intense journaling I was doing at the time, I found my answer.
I was in a hole, it was true. But it was me who had put myself there. I couldn’t mope around and blame my friends, bosses, or family for the degradation of my self-assurance. Because it was, in fact, me who dug that hole. I told myself I was ‘doing the best thing for the situation’. But the truth of the matter is that I didn’t want to challenge myself and evolve, due to the level of discomfort it would require.
The idea that I needed to play peacemaker for them was the best con I had ever pulled — on myself.
I had tied my self-worth to the temporary happiness that others felt. And that was a shitty way to live.
The power in that revelation is that it put the controls of my life back into my hands. It meant that I could, in fact, ensure I never put myself back into that same familiar corner. I could take control of my life by taking control of my mindset.
And that brings us to 2020 and my new mantra. See, I had been mulling over the quote by Erin Hanson:
What if I fall?
Oh, but my darling what if you fly?
This is a fun quote, but it doesn’t ease an anxious mind. Because if you fly, then great. But really, what happens if you do fall? That question is what kept me stuck for so long.
So I changed my perspective, and the quote, just a bit:
What if I fail?
Then I shall do so spectacularly, and darling, won’t that make for a great story?
I’ve grown up afraid to rock the boat because I don’t know what will happen. How people will react. To combat that fear I’ve simply given myself the permission to fail. In fact, I’ve instructed myself to make sure that when I do, it’s spectacular.
Because if failure isn’t an issue, what could possibly stop you?
Here’s to finding out.
